We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
