Christians are straight up FREAKS
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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