its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
