i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
