I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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