where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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