those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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