i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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