Princesses don't give blow jobs
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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