and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
