I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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