I just cut my nipple shaving
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
