so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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