Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
