A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
