I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
