I wish my penis had an off switch
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
