Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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