either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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