____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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