I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
