you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
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