oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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