I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
