Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
