I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
