i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
