There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
