They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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