He uses pillows to masturbate.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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