You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
