I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
