he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
