I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
