I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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