guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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