I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize