just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
