if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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