The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
