I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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