he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
