Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
