Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
