life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
