I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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