good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
