i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
