I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Less talking, more tequila
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
