I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
