She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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