3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
